What do you do when you are stressed? When you are anxious? When you feel down? When you feel like the whole world is turning back at you? When you feel like the sky is pouring down only at you?
For me, I could never let people console me. I don’t know why but I can’t even rant to anyone when am down. I tried telling me otherwise more than once. But no one could be of any help no matter how soothing they are or how much they care about me. My friends and family have always told me to talk to them. When I finally reveal how stressed I was, they would either scold me for keeping everything in or would talk about how important it is to talk to someone when things aren’t going right.
So what do I do? I talk to absolutely no one and use my ultimate weapon which is distractions.
1. I read books coz reading needs all my concentration and focus to get what the author is trying to say. Mostly fiction!
2. I watch heartbreaking movies or series. I even have a playlist to watch at such times. I know it sounds crazy and weird because I am.
3. I write. Like am doing now. I don’t know when I started liking it or don’t know what motivated me to do it at first. But when I write things down, I instantly feel relief and I absolutely grew fond of it.
That’s it. My list may be small but they are powerful enough to keep me distracted for a certain time.
While am using my distractions, I try to slowly think through and try to find a solution or try to accept the fact that it is what it is. Because that’s the only way I will be able to feel okay even if is after a while. Only when I figured things out, I talk to anyone for that matter.
So to answer the question of why I don’t talk to people? Well, it’s because no one can talk me into something most of the time unless I believe that I can do it or I want to do it.
My friend once asked me if am not talking to someone because I feel like they would end up judging me and I said no. But part of me knew it isn’t true coz that’s what I feel most of the time. So I tried to open up to my sister who won’t judge me or even if she did, I absolutely don’t care as that’s how siblings are built. And I failed terribly. Half way through I realized it was a bad idea and I went mute and my sister started lecturing me about how no one will understand that am upset unless I say so.
Is it healthy? I don’t know but all I know is I am gonna be the same way. I am trying to accept this fact in the process of loving myself.
All I wanna say is, if you are built in a way then you are meant to be in that way. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do and not to do. If someone is saying you are wrong or you are not normal, then instead of believing so, ask yourself! if that’s what you want and follow your heart. Coz it’s totally okay to be crazy and weird.
So, what do you think? what are your distractions?